Gooser Monkey

The Eccentricities of Gooser Coon Monkey

This page is dedicated to the nuances of the Gooser Coon Monkey who does almost everything in a backwards way. Many of his methods are unseemly at best and his motives are always unclear.

  • Gooser parks the new Jeep outside on the grass under a tree to rust while the beater Dodge truck, circa 1980, rests comfortably in the garage.
  • Gooser spent a whole month constructing a new skunk pen, only to keep them in the house (phew!).
  • Gooser abhors bad and rude drivers, yet he is the vilest of offenders of road ragers. He once chased down a 16 year old kid who was so scared of him that he called 9-1-1, all because the kid passed him.
  • Gooser will mow the lawn in a nice suit and then go to church. But he won’t wear a seat belt because he doesn’t want to wrinkle his suit.
  • Gooser doesn’t mow the lawn completely; he leaves large swaths in random places untouched.
  • Gooser lets sheep in the front yard to “mow” and fertilize (yuck!).
  • Gooser violently jerks the wheel of the car to avoid hitting sparrows and squirrels.
  • Gooser “Can’t hear”. He refuses to wear the hearing aids that he paid thousands of dollars for.
  • Gooser “Can’t see real well”. So why wear safety glasses when using power tools?
  • Gooser harasses you about the A/C if the temperature inside the house is below 80.
  • Gooser doesn’t construct things with enough clearance so you bang your head walking through them (ouch!).
  • Gooser lacerates his arm and says “It’s only blood, I’ll clean it up later.” What about stopping the bleeding now?
  • Gooser stands an aluminum ladder against the house in almost a vertical fashion and climbs up with no one around to assist him. How he hasn’t fallen to his death, we’ll never know.
  • Gooser often hammers the wrong nails. He smashes his finger nails more often and some fingers haven’t had nails on them in decades.
  • Gooser once found a bulldozer buried in junk in one of his barns that he “didn’t know he had”.
  • Gooser will use anything nearby as a makeshift tool or lever; often at the risk of injuring himself or others.
  • Gooser will drive 15 miles out of the way (in one direction) to save a cent or two on fuel.
  • Gooser will fence in anything and everything to keep the sheep away. We’re waiting for the Gooser to fence in some fence to make everything complete!
  • Gooser will not use the A/C or vent in the car, ever. He will only crack the window for a minute and then put it back up while the passengers suffer in stuffiness and heat.
  • Gooser’s nose hairs blend perfectly with his mustache (gross!).
  • Gooser is overly competitive. He was once kicked out of a church softball game for pushing another player.
  • Gooser is superstitious. He once demanded that he get the same color bean bags for the game Baggo after a game was thought to be over and then had to be finished.
  • Gooser will install lighting and then unscrew more than half the bulbs so they won’t come on when the switch is flipped. If you tighten them up so you can see, he’ll come back in later and unscrew them again to conserve electricity.
  • Gooser gets as much spam mail in his roadside mailbox as you get in your email inbox, and he replies or donates money to them too.
  • Gooser will be late getting somewhere but will stop halfway down the driveway to pull a few weeds from the overgrown vegetable garden
  • Gooser once installed a new washing machine and instead of using the hose fitting that came with the new washer, he thought it better to use the fitting from the old washer with the new one. Once he hooked it all up and turned on the washer to test it, water went gushing all over the place like the gulf oil spill.
  • Gooser will lay on the floor, somehow on his back, with a baby skunk on top of his chest screaming bloody murder and clawing to get away all so it can “get used to people”.
  • Gooser was recently pulled over by the Sheriff’s Department for trying to run a woman in a minivan off the road and was checked on for suspicion of drunk driving.

5 thoughts on “Gooser Monkey”

  1. I laughed so incredibly hard throughout the whole list!!! What an excellent blog! I will be looking at this often every time I need a good laugh. I have witnessed several of these but I especially crack up when I think of the times I have seen him go so far out of the way for cheaper gas!

  2. –Gooser Monkey offers to hook up antenna to tv(which was not asked for). Gooser pulls out ceiling tiles. Gooser does not hook up antenna and takes ceiling tile upstairs with him leaving more insulation to be admired.

    –Gooser nearly veers into oncoming traffic as he has an irresistible urge to point out the location of every softball field in the state.

    –Gooser once locked up his brakes when a semi was following too closely for his liking. The semi driver who was understandably upset about nearly jack-knifing his trailer walked up to Gooser’s driver-side window and punched him in the face. Legend has it that as Gooser drove off into the sunset the following words echoed down the highway: “Learn to drive, BROTHER!”

    1. I could hardly read the one about the semi because I was laughing so hard! I don’t like when SEMI’s come up on my ass either. LOL! Would be funny to have KONKE blogs and KIKI blogs.

  3. Gooser once argued a call in a softball game with an umpire….Whether it was big Konke or little Konke I cannot tell. But He ejected him out of the game and escorted such an one off the baseball field.

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